I miss point and click adventure games

Deep and complex stories driven by genius dialogue, investigatory/ problem solving game play, fantastic sprite based art and some genuinely catchy midi soundtracks made point and click adventure games a completely different experience from what many would play today (except maybe on the DS).


Considering I learnt to read playing these gems, that alone should be enough to silence any nay-sayers who think children should be reading, ‘and Jill sat on a red mat while she wore a blue hat.’ It's counter productive, believe me. Saying that, my speech patterns may have differed from the other children, slightly. Some firm favourites:

Monkey Island 2



Indiana Jones And The Fate Of Atlantis



Dark Seed



Grim fandango

Oh, a Fuelmyblog member are you, mmmm?

I’ve been accepted into the exclusive Fuelmyblog community. How it warrants being called 'exclusive' is a mystery. I mean, they let me in and I’ve never belonged to any club, ever…except the Lego Club. Does that count?
I think everyone can sympathise with the pain of stepping barefoot on a discarded Lego block but the Lego Club repaid that pain debt in full. They remembered my birthday every year till I was ten. Will you do the same Fuelmyblog?

Ashes to Ashes from LIFE that used to be ON MARS

The shrieking of nothing is killing. Just pictures of jap girls in synthesis and I aint got no money and I aint got no hair but I’m hoping to kick but the planet its glowing.” Indeed. Once again Bowie has inspired another TV series as surreal and entertaining as his lyrics. I’ve just finished watching the first episode of Ashes to Ashes, the Life on Mars spin off. It’s a promising start.


First episode down and there are questions galore: Why has the protagonist been sent back to 1981? Why have Gene Hunt and co transferred from Manchester to London? Will Sam Tyler make an appearance? I suppose this is what J.J Abrams refers to as the ‘mystery box.’ I still think all that gel he puts on has seeped through and clogged up his neural pathways. Until the series finishes and warrants reflection, lets reminisce.

Edit: Here's a promo

Beowulf, Folklore and Fables

“Don’t look at me, I ain’t gonna tell ya.” Is the parting shot from Ray Winstone about whether to eat some generic cereal, as it contains more fortified vitamins than another brand. If he uttered the same sentence as Beowulf, when asked how to take care of the Grendel problem, it probably would have gone down just as well.

The story, or should I say epic poem, of Beowulf (I only know this thanks to my comprehensive school education) is about a warrior from the Geats tribe (Germans) who goes to Denmark to stop the people of Heorot from getting repeatedly done over by a monster called Grendel.

He kills him, there’s something about nailing his arm to a door (they were hardcore back then) which antagonises Grendel’s mum to no end. She comes to settle the score but Beowulf, the original action hero, dispatches her too.

He becomes king with a throne very much like that of Conan the Barbarian’s. Years later a dragon comes along, Beowulf a little bit passed it, like Steven Segal is now, decides to give it a go. He manages to take out said dragon but is mortally wounded in the process. Phew.

The film version is co-written by Neil Gaiman, who did the heavily folklore influenced Sandman series. He’s also got another film out, Stardust which again is big on the monsters, pirates, princesses, magic etc shtick.

All this leads conveniently to the recently, magiked into existence game, Folklore. As the name implies, it’s about Folklore or rather, just ‘Folks.’ You play either as Ellen whose issues over her mother’s death lead her to the seaside town of Doolin, or as Keats (not the poet) who is a paranormal journalist (I want that on my CV).

The ‘Folks’ are spirits that can either be captured by Ellen for use against other folks or simply absorbed by Keats to modify his journo brawling style that I’m sure many on Fleet Street will be familiar with.

The last verse in this folk song is Fables, a long running comic strip by Bill Willingham. It follows the lives of famous folk story characters such the Big Bad Wolf, Prince Charming, Snow White etc living in a residential building in present day Manhattan after being exiled from ‘The Homelands’ by Gepeto (Pinnocchio’s dad) posing as the totalitarian Adversary.

What’s interesting about Fables is how all the characters are the polar opposites of what you’d expect; The Big Bad Wolf now goes by Biggy and is the resident sheriff, a kind of film noir detective character, that constantly has to smoke to keep all the modern day scents at bay. Prince Charming is a complete cad and constantly tries to seduce someone new, so he has a place to sleep for the night and Goldie Locks has matured into a gun toting, animal rights revolutionary with more than just a platonic relationship with youngest of the Three Bears.

I couldn’t leave without mentioning ‘The Storyteller.’ Everyone likes John Hurt and what better vehicle for him, than to tell old folk stories with the help of Jim Henson’s unique puppets. Here’s a link to one of the many interesting tales. Beats the Hogwarts out of Harry Pothead any day. So, with all this folk about, it’s probably a good idea to get yourself a fire place

Evacuation on BBC 2

Yet another historical kids TV programme. Modern, urban yoot, get sent to the middle of nowhere and get to ‘experience’ what it was like for child evacuees during the Second World War. This program is genius, two fold, not only do the kids literally have to shovel shit but are constantly tormented by a Safety Warden who, if they mess up procedures, which they always do, shouts gems like:

“If I was a gas cloud I would have killed you.”

“You think I’m angry, just think what Mr Hitler would be like, he’d be very happy and he’d bomb you.”


Between the kids failing to use their cutlery properly (not that I’m a fork fascist but shouldn’t you evacuate people, who can say, use a spoon?) and the WWII reject Warden, it’ll easily keep you entertained.

Maybe doing a programme on terrorism might be more relevant for today’s yoot. They could learn how to torture suspects, hose down civilians after a dirty bomb and more importantly learn to act unilaterally.

Canals on Mars?

"Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know. He's in the best selling show. Is there life on Mars?" Yes, there most definitely is life on Mars despite the eloping, ungrateful actions of Beagle 2 failing to prove it. I'm late to the party and it being a full year since it was first shown, it makes me the prick who turns up when all the beer is warm and someone's been sick in the pond.


I didn't like John Simm and I can't really explain why, it probably stems from the same irrational prejudice that made me ignore the promos for the first series of Life on Mars. 'Err, cop show, 70s, Northern...wank.' That being said, Mr. Simm's portrayal of the The Master in a recent Dr. Who episode made me want to give him a reheat. His Blairesque, sociopath character, won my vote.


That's not to say that Simm has the only gripping character. His gruff, no nonsense, spit in your tea partner played by Philip Glenister, Gene Hunt, is the sort of man I wish I could be. Actually, no, metro-sexuality is SO where its at right now. The cast aside, its the cross genre menagerie that really makes me start salivating ala Pavlov's mutt.


It's important to mention I've only just finished the first series so the true meaning behind Sam Tyler's sudden appearance in 1973 hasn't been revealed yet. On the face of it, the show is like any other cop program but it's the genuinely unnerving, surreal moments, that make it so compelling. The 'end of transmission girl,' who frequently appears to Sam when he's apparently nodded off, is creepier than many recent horror films have managed to manifest. Not to mention the echoing voices of Sam's friends and family talking to him from outside his supposed catatonic state. It's what shows like Lost try to be but have failed like a polish pimp joining the gentry. So as Gene Hunt says,"...it's 1973. Almost dinner time. I'm 'aving hoops." Now go watch!

Soul destroying

Losing. That’s what you do a lot of the time, is lose. Whether it’s your job, relationship, home, keys or cat. Which is why Myth: The Fallen Lords and Myth II: Soulblighter are such well-observed commentaries on the struggle of living. How can a video game bare such immense philosophical and dramatic weight on its pixelated shoulders? I’ll tell thee.


The world of Myth is a bit like Western Europe in King Arthur’s day, with the Middle East right at the edges. The setting really isn’t that important because it’s the usual fantasy malarkey: small people, pointy eared people living in trees, half naked painted people with thick accents, basically anywhere in rural England.


What makes Myth so engaging is it beats you up, a lot. You get emotionally battered when the narrator tells you that even if you won, some massive fuck up else where means its time to run again. Physically battered from the inevitable case of RSI. But like a bruised spouse, you keep coming back for more.

You play a General of sorts, on the end of a losing war against, well, if you can imagine every dictator in the world and combine them into six individuals who have devastating magic as opposed to devastating WMDs… a sort of Super Duper Axis of Evil. These Fallen Lords head up an army made of decomposing zombies (which would be like having a fight with a relative at a wedding but your mum can’t break it up because he happenes to have a big axe and his ears have fallen off) and other hellish creatures. The war torn world looking like Stalingrad or Bastogne circa WWII.
Things look grim and to the story’s credit they stay grim. As mentioned earlier any small victory by your rag tag army gets obliterated somewhere else. The narrator’s excellent prose communicates how shit and hopeless it feels to be a soldier in a war where the outcome is never certain. You have no Shock and Awe to use here. If anything you’re the insurgency against overwhelming odds.

It’s not all miserable otherwise it’d be like watching Schindler's List while having cod liver oil poured in your eyes. The light-hearted side comes from unexpected places: The Dwarves in the game act as a sort of Guerrilla explosives expert. Imagine Che Guevara with a white beard and much smaller. Their dialogue includes, “Get out the way!” and “Alright, we got ‘em!” etc or laying down satchel charges as they throw a Molotov cocktail and good carnagey times ensue. The Berserkers who resemble Braveheart but with less clothes on, shout things like “Ack, I’ll doo him” and “I’m movin’.” They're simple pleasures for a simple mind.



Without spoiling either games ending's (they’re both really old now) the first has the courage to actually sacrifice the player’s army for the sake of taking out the Osama and Kim Jung Ill super combination know as Balor. For all your hard work you are rewarded with a cut scene that shows the main hero Alric’s (a sort of cross between Tony Benn and Sean Connery) head fly through the air after a massive explosion destroying the pesky evil. You’d never see George Dubya tackle Saddam into The Great Devoid. Video game leaders are inevitably better than real life ones. Myth I and II are probably both silly cheap now so go buy!

A murder of Crows

I recently saw a show that bared more than a passing resemblance to the Role-playing wet dream, Knightmare. Knightmare not only featured poor acting, worse CGI but also the emotionally scaring experiences of:

a) Seeing the main contestant literally wither away if they hadn't eaten for a while (a message to all you size zeros)

b) Being killed by all the usual fantasy fare: booby traps, faces in the wall (an evil glory hole) etc.

Innocent eyes forgave all this and tuned in just to hear team members shouting, "half a step, look right, put it in your satchel, say the password fuck-wit!"



It wasn't like Fun House where Pat Sharpe would guarantee some booty (no, not the twins). In all the time I watched Knighmare I can only remember one team actually getting the Crown, Sword, Shield, Dilido of Might+3. ONCE!

This new program is more like Crystal Maze (with the amazing Richard O'Brian) than Knightmare. Raven was hired because he could grow a beard and has a slight Scotch egg accent. Even the kids stare at him with contempt. He spews things like, "I'm sorry Tom but your aim was wayward and you now lose a life, like the tree loses leaves in Autumn." Er, yeah thanks for that massive insight, Pigeon was it?

Just to show it's not all child's play, there is one challenge called the Tree of Knowledge, where a talking bush, similar to the one in The Three Amigos asks true or false questions. I got them all wrong which just goes to show...something. Catch Raven on CBBC or TV Choice if you don't get in early enough.