Thursday, 15 November 2007

Resident Evil: Extinction in the style of an infomercial

Hello, hello and welcome to the Extinction Hour. We have all kinds of crazy deals, whether you’re a grizzled survivor making the best of it on the arid surface, an Umbrella exec with nothing but time and money on your hands and even the vegetarian challenged, zombie masses.

Let’s start with the high rollers first. With human civilization as we know it, wiped out after the T-virus overran the planet, you smarty pants Umbrella employees are looking pretty smug in your vast underground research facilities, but wait, what’s that you say? You have a wad of cash burning a hole in your pocket worse than a zombie bite itches on your skin? What have we got for them Tammy?

Well John, any highflying Umbrella executive can’t be seen dead, or should that be undead (fake laugh) without this season’s sinister black suit. Strike fear into the lowly, worker bees with this stylish combo of an ultra black suit, blacker than even the most successful corporate heart and these sizzling black shades so the windows to your black as night soul don’t give you away in those all important board room meetings.

For all you deranged Umbrella scientists, we have a limited offer on mostly intact zombies, frozen for freshness. We’re also offering a vast range of children’s toys so you can test that all important serum on their newly found motor skills. Back to you John.

Now, if you haven’t got a regular income since the collapse of all markets worldwide, never fear, we’ll except any fuel, tinned food and of course, weaponry. Versatile trench coats are at a premium, all you survivors out there but we’ve got a couple left in stock for low, low prices. You can look sexy and dispatch zombies at the same time. Bang and his head's gone!

Have you ever woken up, only to find you and all your survivor friends have been surround by a murder of crows and realise this scene has been unashamedly stolen from Hitchcock’s, The Birds? No need to panic friend, you have one thing the lovely Tippi Hedren didn’t have and that’s a giant flamethrower. At a bargain price this versatile armament will not only keep the little buggers at bay but also act as a BBQ flame. Mutant birds, that’s finger lickin’ good.

All purchases must be collected at the last bastion of mankind in sunny Alaska. See you soon and happy shopping.

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