Transgender, sexual identity in disguise.

The plot of Transformers in brief:

Boom, transform, am I shallow for liking muscled guys, I’m a bit geeky but will ultimately love you more than your jock, asshole boyfriend, we’re robots from out of space, your grandad found Megatron he put the coordinates of the ‘spark’ in his glasses, everyone looks for the glasses, found them, Hoover dam is actually a secret base where the spark and megatron are both on ice. Autobots and Decepticons race to Hoover dam, Megatron gets free, shit hits the fan, pretty decent battle in the city, can’t tell whose who most of the time, Optimus Prime says to weedy protagonist put the cube/spark in my chest thus sacrificing myself in a noble way, boy says fuck that sticks it in Megatron’s chest. Happy ending.


Now you don’t actually need to spend ten of the queen’s pounds sterling and waste two hours that would have been better spent writing a new script for this robotic malfunction of a film. I went in with incredibly low expectations. Like a King’s Cross prostitute versus a thousand pound a night escort, low. To its credit, Transformers was very entertaining for about the first half. The lines were witty and unexpected, which is unprecedented for a blockbuster of this kind. Lets not forget the film is based on a toy line after all. Then Michael Bay must have had a seizure because the whole thing suddenly becomes a farce the likes of which I haven’t seen since torching my eyes out at Armageddon.


The pain wasn’t just up on the screen. Throughout, a little bastard was kicking steadily into the back of my seat. The rate of kicks per second increased whenever the action on screen intensified. When the climatic battle was taking place the boy obviously had an epileptic fit, considering he almost kicked right through the chair snapping my spine and leaving me a paraplegic. The last bit didn’t happen but I still had to bare the pain both physically and mentally of watching the last half of the film.



Don’t go and see Transformers wait for the DVD, which hopefully will have a ‘the plot and characters are truly piss poor, watch all the cool battles back to back instead’ feature.